My wife is awesome

Ever see those posts on facebook that go something like: “My wife is the best wife in the whole wide world!!” or “I have the greatest wife ever!!!”

Yeah, I hate those posts. (Okay, hate is too strong a word; later I’ll write about that word and how much I dislike it.)

I know what you are trying to say when your status update says that your lady is the best wife, best mother, best actress in a television comedy not starring Tina Fey. You’re really just trying to tell us that you love your wife because she’s great and she had just happened to do something that made you want to tell others. That’s fine. (not really; just keep it to yourselves; what are we, some sort of personal karma credit union?)

But, damn it people, get your language right! Go ahead and tell us how awesome your wife is and why. It could go something like this: “Mark Derewicz thinks his wife is awesome because she is incredibly patient, loving, and creative in so many wonderful ways.”

But noooooooo. You don’t say that. You have the gall–the NERVE–to suggest that your wife is better than mine? How dare you!

Frankly, I know some of your wives and they’re not even the best wife I know, let alone the best wife in the entire world. Yes, yes. I understand that she might be perfect for you and I respect that. If so, say so.

It could go something like this: “Mark Derewicz feels so blessed to have his beautiful wife in his life. She is perfect for me. I cherish her so much and pray to God that I never ever take her for granted. I love her more than life itself.”

But nooooo. You don’t say that. You don’t give a second thought to the obvious fact that if I were married to your wife, I really doubt she’d be the best wife on the planet. Granted, I might have something to do with that unpleasant fact. But that doesn’t make it any less true.

And really, how the hell do you know she’s the best wife? Maybe she’s merely above average. Heck, maybe she’s only average. Have YOU been married to every other woman in the world?

And consider this: isn’t there at least a decent chance that the woman you cheated on in college would be as good a wife as the woman you wound up marrying? Think about it.

Now, I never cheated on anyone, but I think it’s fair to say that at least one or two ex-girlfriends out here would characterize me as a jerk. So a status update could go something like this: “Mark Derewicz doesn’t deserve to be married to such a thoughtful, loving soul as his precious wife. But he’ll take it. Pray that he doesn’t muck it up.”

But noooooooo. You don’t say that. You have to tell us that you actually think your wife is the best ever, the greatest of all time.

Well I’ve got news for you. MY wife is the greatest of all time. But do I stick my nose into your facebook page with an unfortunate statement about how your wife is inferior to mine? Of course I don’t. I’m a gentleman. I just tell my wife that I love her, that she’s a fabulous mother, that even though I get annoyed when she misplaces her cell phone every day I will never submerge it in the kitchen sink just to teach her a lesson.

She is the greatest. For me. And I hope I’m the greatest for her. Maybe I should get on facebook and tell her and the entire universe, in no uncertain terms: “Babe, you’re the best ever!”